So Rashford’s moving to Newcastle? Bro, that’s like saying my Python script just won the Champions League. I ran Monte Carlo sims on this—turns out the only thing getting transferred is my sanity. Ríos isn’t some fairy tale—he’s the guy who makes AI look bad while dribbling through half-spaces. Data doesn’t lie… but your uncle’s TikTok post does. 📊

P.S. If you believe ‘intuition’ over stats… why are you still scrolling at 3 a.m.? Drop your model and join the real squad.

(Also: Yes, I’m still single. And yes, it’s still weird.)