Juventus didn’t win—they calibrated to win. Al Ahly? Their coach still believes intuition is a sport… until the stats whispered back: ‘You’re measuring sweat instead of signals.’ Meanwhile, their xG model was trained on high-variance zones and forgot how to pass. 5-0 isn’t luck—it’s Bayesian destiny with zero tolerance for fluff. If you think football’s about passion… you’re missing the grid.

P.S. Can we get this guy a job? Or just hire an algorithm that doesn’t lie?